The Week of Rollercoaster Rides

This past Friday, I received a call that my mother was in bad shape.  She has been in an assisted living facility for the past 9 months and was getting stronger every day. She was really enjoying her time there.  On the day I got the call, she was short of breath and had a heart rate of 30.  She was rushed to the ER and the physicians told her that she was in total heart block and really shouldn't be here....they were surprised she was still alive in the condition  she was in. They planned to do an emergency pacemaker procedure, but were concerned that she wouldn't be able to handle the procedure in her state and they didn't want to have to put her under anesthesia because they were even more concerned that she would have difficulty coming off of a vent if that needed to occur in the process. 
She asked for our Pastor and was basically saying Goodbye because things looked dire.  She had a DNR order which means that if she goes into cardiac or respiratory arrest, she wouldn't be attended to as if she had a code status and they wouldn't do drastic measures to bring her back.  It was a time where my mother, brother and I spent time in the ER room preparing for the worst, but knowing that my mom said she was ready to go Home if it was time and we gave her 'permission' to do so.  It was difficult, but it was also such a beautifully vulnerable time that my family doesn't do vulnerability and transparency very well. She made us promise that we would let her go if it was time and she was sent off to surgery.
Everything went very well. They didn't need to put her under anesthesia and she recovered well from the procedure. We felt blessed that this was not an issue anymore and that she tolerated the interventions that needed to occur.  We spent the AM at the hospital with her and left in the afternoon to catch up on things and prepare for family pictures for our son's senior Homecoming.  My brother and sister-in-law came over and we were taking pictures with our son and his girlfriend.  We were having fun and taking silly pics


 when my phone rang.  The nurse told me my Mom's heart had stopped and she had stopped breathing, but he was able to get it restarted by doing a 'sternal rub', but he needed to be sure that they were not to revive her.  So as we were taking pics, my mom was not breathing....I needed to tell the nurse on the phone that he was not to revive her if this happened again.  It killed me to say it, but we had promised mom that we would honor her wishes. She was ready.  She knows Jesus and isn't afraid to die.  She was ready if it was time. 
Thankfully they were able to maintain her and it was found that it was an issue with the pacemaker that was inserted the day before, so they revised her DNR status and made her a 'full code' in case she had issues again. They had to take her in for emergency procedure to see what exactly was going on and insert a temporary pacemaker.  She tolerated this surgery very well and went into recovery again with the plan to have another surgery on Monday. This would have to be done with anesthesia and had a risk, so they planned to have Cardio-thoracic surgeons available and on standby.  This surgery went well and she came off of the ventilator very well. She had no problem at all tolerating this. She was transferred to a rehab unit in the hospital and will remain there for a few weeks. 
I am so thankful she is still with us.  I am thankful that we had that vulnerable, honest time that we had in the ER.  The moments that we cried together and prepared ourselves to say goodbye to our mother on this side of Heaven.  Maybe that is what that rollercoaster is supposed to be.  I am thankful that she is still with us and I plan to appreciate the time we all have left with her. 

My husband and I have been working some form of Dave's program for 3 years.  We are now LESS THAN $500.00 from paying off one of our biggest thorns in our side. After the worst month we've had financially in a very long time, we began listening to God and are tithing.  Also, we have been selling so much "the kids think they're next".  We've had success with this as we are now able to meet our family's daily needs.  I had a very strong feeling that God would "return" everything we are giving up if He asks us to.  I have been selling a lot of things that had sentimental value and was feeling  kind of sad about it.  Last week, I went to a garage sale and purchased some pictures to re-do my kitchen (they were such a bargain). There were other items there, but they just didn't fit in my budget, so I left them.  Yesterday the woman who had the garage sale (who also goes to my church) came up to me and told me the items didn't sell and she was giving them to me!!!  That was such a blessing and it was right from God.  It was confirmation that if I obey Him and give what He is asking now, He will return to me what I lost...maybe not the exact same way, but in His beautiful way. Just wanted to share part of my journey. 

My story

I was raised in a household that had secrets. My father was an alcoholic and far from God.  My mother was very involved in the church, a Christian, but loved my father so she stayed with him through all of the good and the bad.  My mother never wanted anyone to know anything that happened in our home.  There was a lot of difficulty, but there was also so much good.  When sober, my dad was amazing.  He loved us and made sure we knew his Alcoholism was NOT our fault.  I knew my parents loved me and my brother and loved each other as well.

My grandparents most likely knew something was going on, but I don’t believe they knew the extent of what was occurring. I know for a fact that my grandparents prayed for us all, but especially for me and my brother that we wouldn’t fall into the traps that growing up in such a household can lead to.

I accepted Christ at a young age.  We went to church three times a week at least.  I had a relationship with God in my early teens, but as many do, I fell away and got involved with guys and friends and as a result, ended up pregnant shortly after graduating high school.  They guy I had been seeing was not marriage nor father material so when he was not very enthused about raising a child with me, I was ok with it.  I know in my heart that he had some of the bad traits that my dad had, but he was lacking in the good ones. So I went about raising my oldest son while living at home, going to school and developing at routine.  Several years passed and I met a man in a class at YSU, we became friends and as time passed, we began to date and later married and had two other children.  Jim took my son in as his own and raised him no different than our other children.  Things were good.  I look back at this time and realize it was my grandparents and mothers  prayers that benefitted us in numerous ways. Neither my brother nor I became addicted to Alcohol or other substances. God sheltered us from a lot of the potential destruction that could’ve occurred.  . 

As the years passed, although I was out of the home, my father’s alcoholism worsened.  Had eventually was diagnosed with cancer for which he refused treatment and  he was given 4-6 months to live. My sister in law told me she and her church group prayed that God wouldn’t take him from this earth until he accepted Christ.  That rang true as God kept my stubborn father on t his earth for an additional 17 months as he wrestled with God and his fate, his guilt and his family  Just 2 weeks before he died, he accepted Christ. 

In 2004, died of a massive stroke.  He had been the leader of the FCA and the showing at the funeral was stunning.  It was seeing the amount of people that were touched by his love for Jesus.  At that time, I recommitted myself to walking with Christ.  I wanted to impact the world for His glory and not mine. 

In 2011, numerous things happened that opened my eyes to the fact that we really control nothing.  After a several year period of relative calm, my world came crashing down.  Several people in my family became ill and things were changing in our personal  and family lives in dramatic ways.  I remember so many nights that I would lay awake in the quiet asking all of the what if’s.  God very gently spoke to my spirit telling me He’s got it under control and He will not let anything happen to his children that cannot be used for their good and his glory….in time….as He did with me.  From that night, I have moments of emotional upset, but ultimately, I know that I cannot control Anything anyone else does.  God has taught me that He is in control…I am not.  .  Day by day I am learning to rely on god to sustain my worrisome heart

Last year, we did a study called Breaking Free.  It spoke about strongholds and how they are often carried down by families.  My family has a bushel load of strongholds:  depression, anger, denial, fear, worry, secrets, pride.  These are all things that were passed down to me from family.  Family patterns and behaviors that felt adaptive, but were destructive and didn’t allow for the growth that God deemed necessary for us as a whole and individually.  Part of me telling my story is allowing God to break a stronghold in my life.  No more secrets. I will allow myself to be more vulnerable and will not hide behind the “helper” role.  I found that as I helped others, it allowed me to protect myself…if others were in need, they didn’t know my vulnerabilities. 

As I think about the strongholds that have held my family hostage…the walls that were too high…the secrets that indicated pride (distrust in God)  I know that I do not want to continue to carry those.  I am trying with Gods help to be more transparent and vulnerable and not be so prideful to let God work through me through that. As Jeremiah 29:11 says, God has plans for me and all of us….to give us a future and they are plans for good and not evil.  So no matter what, I am trusting him to work in me so that others will see him.

Who am I? 

Chocolate Chip Cookies and Sawdust

 

I've been pretty sentimental lately.  I've been very melancholy.  The loss of my Grandmother hit me pretty hard and was quickly pushed under the rug to prepare me to coordinate my mother's entrance to a nursing facility.  In the process of all of this, God has been right beside me.....Oh, I've had my moments of crazy, tearful, fears and "why's", but really, it has been smooth in the transitition sense.  
In light of all of this, I've been thinking about the family's I've been blessed with.  I was raised with my Mother and Father.  Truth be told, it was a difficult situation.  Yes, they loved me, but there was a lot of sickness going on in that household and it was not always the smoothest place to be.  I spent a lot of time with my Grandparents.  
They really were my stability.  
I can remember days that I would cook with Grandma....she loved to bake especially.  The smell of chocolate chip cookies reminds me of her to this day.  Funny though, the smell of sawdust brings me to  a much more sentimental place. That is what my Grandfather did....he was a woodworker once he had retired.  He spent his days and sometimes evenings in his shop making various items ( bowls, furniture pieces, even a grandfather clock).  
Fast forward a few years, long after his passing, I am in an Amish  flea market picking out a wooden sign for our home and it smells like Grandpa.... and the baked goods remind me of Grandma.  I'm not sure why I became so emotional, but I sure did.  I realized that I truly miss them both, but I was so very blessed to have them in the years I did.  God sure knew what He was doing when He gave me them. 

Christ-like

I was speaking with someone about expectations in the church....especially those that fellow believers and our elders put on us.  I responded to the person that they must be Christ-like in their response when dealing with a conflict with another believer.  From that statement, a discussion occurred that made me spend some time reviewing how I view being like Christ. 
Initially, my response was simple---like Jesus....Unlike the world.  That is true.  However, with additional thought, I realized that this is too simplistic.  In His days on Earth, Jesus was viewed as someone who was a rebellious sort.  He hung out with those that the religious of that day would never share any time with.  The Less-than....those who were "unGodly". Yet, in reality, Jesus was loving and full of grace and truth.  He was perfect, yes, but he came to Earth as Savior, not judge. Not when He walked on this Earth. 
I find that I get judgy....other Christians get judgy.  Not just of the world, but of each other....of ourselves. We tend to get all caught up in the "shoulds" that come with being a Christian.  Being more like Christ becomes a job to us-  not the supernatural miracle that it truly is.
We should strive to be more like Him, but we cannot.  When we strive, we then fail miserably.  The more I try to be like Christ, the more aware I am of my failings and how very un-Christlike I am. 
The very effort to be like Him makes me more aware of who I am and who He is.  He is Grace. He is Truth. He is God, so therefore He is Love.  I am none of those things without HIM. 
When I let Him take me over and quit trying to emulate Him (or my warped version of Him), I become more like Him.  I become Christ-like..... I do not look perfect, nor judgy, nor sanctimonious.  I appear approachable, peaceful, loving.  Someone that others want to be around. 
My prayer is that others will see Christ in me, because I lay my life down daily so that He will be in ME and will be leading my way. 

Seeing God in the smallest things is probably one of the great joys in my life.  I feel sad for folks who don't see that...don't get to experience the great burst of joy that comes with seeing Him unfold a detail that means so much to you.  This happens time and again in my life. I think He does this because He knows that I see this. I look for signs everywhere and God gives them. 
He loves me so much that He gives me those little "God winks" that mean so very much to me. 
I wish I could see those daily,but then I suppose that they won't be so special.  Those "God winks"  show me that He is unfolding things in a way that is intended for my Good...to give me a future and a hope.  (Jeremiah 29:11)
My joy is renewed daily by this promise. I pray that you will see it too.  

New Year

I have been focusing a lot on the fact that it is a New Year.  Though I don't normally do resolutions, this year I find myself taking stock of several things and changing my perspective.

A lot has happened in a very short time and it feels like the Enemy is attempting to mess with my vibe.  I had a pretty good attitude on December 31.  Although my grandmother passed away on Christmas Eve, it was ok.  I knew she was home with the Lord and with our family who have gone before and I really didn't grieve the loss as she had dementia and had been gone from us far longer than I would  have liked.

In the process of all of this, my Mom's health was deteriorating and we came to the determination that her care needed to be increased.  We agreed as a family that nursing home placement would be a good option.  In the process of all of this, we were cleaning/moving her apartment.

Anyway, back to how I felt on New Year's Eve:  I was feeling such promise and such expectation about this upcoming year.  I really believed that this was the year that we would really start to conquer our debt and we would begin to adjust from the past year's struggles.  And when I see God's faithfulness in the past few years, I know that it will happen.  Why do we always try to get the benefit of growth without the struggle? Most times I have grown, it has been because of an intense struggle that has made me grow.  I'm always better for it.  I 'm always thankful for it (after the fact).
My January has kind of stunk.  It's been busy and frustrating and there are times that I felt I was literally losing my mind.  Yet God is and was faithful in it all.  He sustained me.
I don't know how He is going to work 2014 out to be the year that I really, truly feel it will be, yet I know that He is going to do this. My faith in Him will not waver.  I am certain that in spite of the stressors that may come, He who began a good work in (me) will be faithful to complete it.